We Should Get Together (Book Summary)

I've lived in New York City for about three years. During that time, my main priorities were my career and personal development. Everyone else I knew was doing the same. They moved out to New York City in their 20's because of their careers and a desire to learn more about themselves.

COVID showed me a different perspective. This summer, I returned back to the city. Almost everyone I knew had moved away. It has helped me understand that meeting people and building friendships is as essential as career and personal development.

I started reading We Should Get Together, because I find it challenging to build great friendships. The book has been a delight to read so far. In particular, I read about the frequency section after I had a difficult conversation with someone who's really important to me, and it gave me a different perspective on the topic.

Introduction

I was surprised to learn that the average American hasn't made a new friend in the last 5 years. And that as we age, we get more isolated from the people around us. We feel lonely and have a harder time making closer friends.

The author also stated how we spend more time building our lists of followers and contacts than we do on building real, true friendships. Social media apps use "friendships", although we might consider most to be acquaintances.

But meaningful friendships serve a more important role than instant gratification. They've been shown to improve our health, increase our capacity to endure pain and help us live longer. Friends provide support, guidance and companionship against our loneliness.

Friendship Landscape

How many durable friendships do you have?
Where are your closest friends located?
Who can you have real conversations with or turn to in a crisis?
If your life is filled with interesting acquaintances, do you know how to convert them into close friends?
What do you do when you discover you're surrounded by people who don't really know who you are?

Mental Blocks

It also addressed mental blocks that people have to building friendships, which I think is highly relatable to anyone who's living in New York City.

The following blocks resonated a lot with my past thinking:

I would rather use my free time to develop myself professionally and build my career.
I am more focused on reaching for success in my career.
I have been through some challenges in life so I have more walls to break through before I can open up and be vulnerable with new people that I meet

What's important in friendships?

Compatibility, proximity, frequency and commitment.

Proximity assessment

Friends who live less than 15 minutes away
Friends who live 20 - 60 minutes away
Friends who live 3+ hours away
Where do most of your close friends live in proximity relative to you?
Which list are you most and least satisfied by?
Does seeing the distance between you and your friends want to deepen any relationships with the people who are nearby?
Describe an ideal weekend in your life if you could walk to ten friends in under ten minutes?

Frequency

If you could have more frequency with existing friends, what would that look like?

Commuting to or from work together
Swinging by each others' houses after work to talk about your day
Eating an early breakfast or lunch together weekly
Exercising together a few times a week
Talking on the phone once or twice a week
Booking time together around play dates for your kids

If your frequency hopes are out-of-sync with a friend, you have some decisions to make. The person who wants to have more frequency either has to find a way to be happy with less, or find another friend who can be as available or dedicated as they are.

The person with less frequency has to step up and offer more time to demonstrate that they value the friendship or need to understand if the other person wants to prioritize other people who can meet their connection needs.

Get your journal and create the following lists:

Friends you spend time with each week
Friends you spend time with every month
Friends you spend time with every few months or seasonally
Friends you spend time with once or twice a year

And answer the following questions

How do you feel about the frequency with which you see your favorite friends?
Which people do you wish you saw more frequently?
What would be your favorite ways to increase your frequency with some of the people you listed?
How would your life be different if you could spend time with your favorite friends as frequently as you wanted?

Compatibility

You share a strong respect for and curiosity about each other. You support each other feeling seen, heard and understood. There's five main types of compatibility - chemistry, communication style, lifestyle, socializing style and values.

Chemistry

Chemistry is when you and the other person have mutual enthusiasm for each other. It's the excitement you feel when you're around the other person. It makes you want to keep being around them and you don't know why.

Communication

What matters is that when you and your friends are keeping in touch, your communication styles pull you closer. How we communicate is deeply influenced by our emotional intelligence and our ability to express it.

Lifestyle

There's a crossover in activities you like to do and are capable of doing.

Socializing Style

If you only want to have two or three close friends, but your friend wants to be a social buttery with several dozen "close" friends, they won't have enough free time in their calendar to match the amount of time you want to spend with them.

In order for a friendship to avoid being a constant source of disappointment and feelings of neglect, you need to be realistic and honest about how many friendships you can actually maintain.

Vary your hangout formats so you're not getting bored and you get both of your needs met.

Values

Common ground and opinions are valuable, but I won't learn anything new or gain novel perspectives if I'm only surrounded by those exactly like mine.

Friendships provide a safe place to be totally vulnerable, uncomfortable, ask "stupid questions" and genuinely contribute to each other's development, empathy and understanding.

Compatibility assessment - https://weshouldgettogether.com/compatibility